the pressure is there to constantly "be in the moment"
{ to experience everything
{ to taste it
{ to feel it
{ smell it
{ hear it
{ to see... and touch it...
the wipers noisily squeaked right left... right left... the car eerily quiet though all but Jason was with me... no music — just the hum of the wheels upon the highway and the now annoyingly squeaking noise of the wipers...
the wipers were turned on before the funeral... when the air was thick with dew and mist from the heat of the ground mingled with the complete chill in the air that seemed to creep through the marrow of my bones to reach the part of my soul that has been void
parking almost 3 blocks from the entrance to the old brick cathedral for Mass... a Requiem Mass... a Mass for a woman... a Mass in honor of a woman... a Mass to connect heaven and earth... a place to connect me to God... to fill that void
a valid word but an invalid feeling
nothing black to mourn her loss than the boots that I have been trying to replace for the past two months and the circles under my eyes
a crying child in the arms of a familiar face of a mother I knew before stops me as I gaze into the standing room of the Mass ive amount of people in the cathedral... thoughts of reassurance not this many people even know me crash through my head as I try to listen to her tell me "there is a few pews... in the very front"
sending my 14 year old son to the front with instructions to look back at me with a slight nod to tell me to venture up to the front with five of his siblings... I can only think of praying to the good Lord to keep the baby quiet and my three old well behaved as I notice the pew open is right behind the pall bearers... a knot settles into my throat as I see Eileen covered in a black clothe hand embroidered by nuns and two foot candles lit and reaching towards the sky... not hearing any noises except that crying child from the familiar face in the back of the church now sounding like a mile away
I know Mark is sitting on the left hand side... Mary's side of the church for us, but from God's perspective to the right... the right side of the church where sorrow lays still
Gregorian chant fills the space and enters up with the incense to encompass that moment... that void starts to fill with more sights and sounds of the Mass... of knowing God is here... truly present... just like Eileen... present under the veil while she sees Him... her veil has lifted... her void is gone... all of her senses are useless... i realize so are mine and everyone else... how alike we all are...
we search out our lives trying to find completeness... to "feel" complete... when in order to do so we must empty ourselves to be united with eachother...
regardless of where I was Tuesday, you were somewhere else wherever I was in 1983, you were somewhere else you are somewhere else, and I am here
here truly present wanting to join with others... the mass becoming the Mass
flocking together and not caring for things of this world... knowing we will be provided for
and that's more than okay
rest in peace knowing you are not alone rest in peace seeing... hearing... tasting the M ass
being on the right side chanting like everyone else
it's okay
no need to worry
peace + blessings to all... especially to Eileen's friends and family,
our deepest sorrow...
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